What’s Your Therapist Really Modeling?

“Self-care” is no excuse for bad therapy.

A therapist cancels on short notice, scrolls their phone during your session, and calls it “modeling self-care.”

When therapists talk about modeling, it sets off my alarm bells.

The main thing a therapist should model is an attitude of non-judgmental curiosity toward mental and emotional life. We treat thoughts and feelings as important, worthy of attention and understanding.

But too many therapists mean something else: they consider themselves the standard to emulate.

Scratch the surface of the otherwise legitimate psychological term “modeling” and we often find something deeply troubling: the narcissistic hubris of thinking of oneself as the reference standard for how another person should live.

That’s a perversion of psychotherapy. Meaningful psychotherapy is about helping the patient to know themselves more fully and become more fully themselves.

Instead, some therapists act as if the goal is for the patient to become more like them.

In the most egregious cases, the word “modeling” becomes a rationalization for serious lapses in judgment and outright bad behavior. On social media, I’ve seen therapists describe doing all sorts of things therapists should not do—and justify it as “modeling” something for their patient’s benefit.

And just like that, “modeling” becomes a rationalization for anything.

Real-life examples include starting late, scrolling their phones during sessions, eating during sessions, using the patient’s time to talk about themselves, changing the subject when they’re uncomfortable, asking for personal favors, and on and on.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying therapists should follow rigid rules. There are sometimes special circumstances. Emergencies happen. And therapists are human. We all have lapses and make mistakes.

But I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about therapists who do these things repeatedly and spin it as something admirable. They discuss it on social media, expecting validation and approval from fellow therapists, and often receiving it.

This is where that word “modeling” comes in. The therapists describe their irresponsible behavior proudly—because in their minds, it’s really for their patient’s benefit. The therapist who pulls out their phone during a session is “modeling self-care.” The therapist who shuts the patient down when they’re talking about something important is “modeling boundaries.” The therapist who uses the patient’s therapy session to talk about their own problems is “modeling authenticity.”

So the term “modeling” morphs from an attitude of acceptance and curiosity toward mental life, to the hubris of imagining oneself the reference standard for how another should live, to outright rationalization of bad conduct.

Therapists can tell themselves they’re “modeling” self-care or boundaries or authenticity but they may be modeling something very different—poor impulse control, self-importance, and irresponsibility.

Therapists should use the word “modeling” with a little more humility, because there’s a good chance they’re modeling something very different from what they think.

While writing this, another example appeared right on cue from r/therapists. A therapist, fresh out of grad school, posted that he hates being a therapist and wants to quit the profession, but feels guilty about abandoning and possibly harming his clients.

It’s obviously a difficult personal decision. Before he could even explore it, a “helpful” colleague jumped in to spin it as... “modeling life-changing self-care.”

And just like that, it’s a free pass.

---

More essays, interviews, clips, and reflections at my Linktree:
linktr.ee/jonathanshedler